A Not So Simple Sunday – Letter to my Dad

Dear Dad,

I miss you.  You will never get the chance to read this but that is alright because you already know what I am about to say.  You know that I love you.  You know that I am proud of you.  You know that I could not have asked for a better man to be my father.

When I reflect upon the last several years, the slipping away of the essence of you into the fog of Alzheimer’s, I realize that we grabbed onto the moments we could and made the most of them.  We had the chance to say goodbye, to talk about subjects in a detail we may otherwise not have.  You spoke of your life as a child, as a young man, as a husband, and as a father.  I listened with interest.  I learned from your stories.

We spoke of the time when our lives intertwined, my whole life but only a part of yours.  We reminisced about childhood games you would play with me, how you taught me to ride a bike and later to drive a car.  I still to this day cannot round the corner onto our road without thinking about how I panicked and hit the gas instead of the brake on one of our many driving lessons.  We rounded that corner much too fast but stayed on the road.  I feel like you have turned the corner from life to death too quickly, and I am left standing by the side of the road looking for you.

You were always there in my life and now when you are no longer, you are still around in the simplicity of daily thoughts.  Coffee reminds me of you.  The smell of chainsaw oil and sawdust brings me to tears.  And your big yellow fuzzy work gloves, I asked mom if I could have after you died…  I have them carefully tucked away in the back drawer of my desk for the day when I can take them out of the bag and touch them.

I am sitting here typing and crying and missing you so very much.  This is my first Father’s Day without you.  I don’t get to call you on the phone and hear your voice or send you a card (which was always a day or two late, sorry about that) so I am writing you this letter instead.

I love you.  I love you so very much,

XOXOXO Your daughter XOXOXO

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About shoes

I am a blogger, a former microbiologist, a stay at home mom to a herd of two boys, and a grilled cheese sandwich and beer connoisseur.
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25 Responses to A Not So Simple Sunday – Letter to my Dad

  1. Oh nancy I’m sitting here crying with you. I know no words can help but just know you’re in my heart and on my mind today. Love You friend.

    • shoes says:

      It is hard to think I can no longer call him up on the phone for a random chat, especially on a day like today. Been keeping busy with the boys and our Father’s Day – making new traditions and hanging out enjoying being a family. Hugs. Love you too!

  2. Very touching. I’m glad you have so many memories of your father and hope that they bring you some sense of comfort.

    • shoes says:

      The memories give me some comfort. It is all the “firsts” without him – first Father’s Day, first Birthday, first spring, summer, fall, first Christmas. I had a hard time with the coming of of this spring knowing he would not be here to see the flowers bloom and the trees new buds.

  3. Ashley says:

    Such a beautiful post!

    • shoes says:

      Thank you. It came out of me in one big flurry of typing, catching me by suprise and making me cry. I guess the loss of him is still very near the surface for me.

  4. Hetterbell says:

    This is such a touching, beautiful letter. Today is my Mum’s first Father’s Day without her dad, too, which has made me think about all the people I know, yourself included, who are missing their fathers this year. Hugs and best wishes always.

    • shoes says:

      I guess Father’s Day is many things for many people. It sure is a bittersweet one for me this year. I hope your Mum is doing ok with the loss of her dad.

      As always, thank you for your kind words they mean a lot to me.

      • Hetterbell says:

        Mum did get a little sad a few times, but she was OK most of the time, thanks. I can see why it would be a bittersweet day for you, but I hope that your boys helped. I get the impression they help to lift your spirits a lot. :)

  5. beautiful – what more can I say – it is the fiddle that reminds me of my dad and makes me cry

  6. mimijk says:

    I lost my dad almost ten years ago to a similar disease…it was a very long good-bye and I still wasn’t ready to let him go. And on some level, I still haven’t. Days like today are especially hard…I love that you honored him today and in doing so honored your abiding love for him. Beautiful and poignant and so hard to bear.

    • shoes says:

      I did not expect to be hit so hard by my emotions today. For a long time Father’s Day was just a card and a phone call but it really stopped me when Husband made a comment about how he needed to get a card for his dad and I thought “Oh, so do I!” But quickly followed by that thought was that I did not and never would again.

      Hugs to you on this day for dads – they are always in our hearts.

  7. Beautifully written. I’m sending a hug your way!

  8. df says:

    A lovely post. It was a treat to be able to read it.

  9. ktlee says:

    Oh this brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing such a beautifully written, heartfelt letter. I cannot imagine those ‘firsts’ you are experiencing without your father and the hole his absence must leave on your heart. Sending sunny thoughts, my friend!

    • shoes says:

      The “firsts” are hard and I just hope the pain softens as the years go on. I imagine it will as it has been four months and it is easier for the memories that pop into my head to make me smile instead of tear up.

  10. This is beyond beautiful.

  11. christiana83 says:

    I was just sort of browseing through your archives and happened upon this letter to your Dad, and now I am in tears! My Dad is still alive, but I don’t know for how much longer, and just the thought of him being gone makes my stomach ache. I love being able to just call him up randomly and have a three hour chat about everything under the sun. I don’t see him or talk to him enough. I think I will call him tonight!
    I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sure it still hurst now as much as it did when you first wrote this. Hugs to you!

    • shoes says:

      I am sorry to hear about your dad. I hope you gave him a call and had a wonderful conversation. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my dad, sometimes they make me sad and other times they are funny memories that make me smile. His words from our many conversations still trickle into my vocabulary or come to mind when I am trying to solve a problem but I would give anything to talk to him again.

      I am glad to hear you were browsing around. It is neat to get new comments from my older posts especially the ones that mean so much to me. Hugs right back at you!

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