My bowels have been aflutter since Monday morning and that is putting it very mildly because you don’t want to know the awful truth.
There have been moments of euphoria sandwiched between long stretches of self doubt.
I have seriously questioned my common sense.
Instead of making excuses about why I cannot do this, I press on. But to be honest I am not sure I can do this.
The odds are not stacked in my favor.
Last week I had a conversation with a friend about finances and future – my finances and my future. It looked rather bleak and I hate to complain because in the grand scheme of things we are doing fine but I need to find work. We live in a small town and my options are few and the pay is rather sad. I had been tossing around the idea of going back to school so as to be able to have a career instead of just a job to fill the gap between cash in and cash out but one needs money for school.
To blow off steam I had a similar conversation with my mom about it, not something I would normally do. I should have known how she would view it. She is a mom after all and a problem solver. She emailed me the following day offering me a sum of money that her and dad had tucked away and fully expected to pass along to me as my inheritance. It would allow options. It would allow me to go back to school as well as keep us afloat during that time. My immediate response was no, of course not. I have never as an adult asked for money from my parents even when, perhaps especially when, I was living for those few gray and desperate months out of a Buick Regal in my early adulthood.
In the end I said yes and I am truly grateful for this chance. So what to do? I kept thinking about the medical field so that I could utilize my BS in Microbiology but I could not really get excited about it. I kept circling back around to teaching. It is in my blood. Both of my parents were teachers and it is what I grew up around.
Over the weekend Husband and I started looking around at the options on the internet and on Monday I got serious and started to contact schools, one in particular. I was talking to the head of admissions at my school of choice and the conversation was going well. I was getting excited about their one year intensive program that starts this Summer, would get me in the classroom mentoring in the Fall and lead teaching in early Winter. In one year I would come out of it with a great experience and a Masters degree in Elementary Education. Then she informed me that the deadline for admissions was Tuesday. Yeah, like yesterday Tuesday. So I did what anyone would do, I panicked. Then I busted a move. They were able to defer a couple items such as the essays and resume until later next week so I got everything together, lined up a couple of the boys’ teachers to write letters of recommendation, and submitted Monday night.
So I guess I just applied to graduate school.
There is lots to do, two prerequisite classes I need to find and take quickly, a huge three part five hour test covering math, writing, and reading that is on February 9th that I must pass, a couple essays to write and my resume to update. Oh and an interview. I am not sure if/how this will all work out. The timing may not work on the prereq classes. I may fail one or more parts of the test, a test that people usually take one section at a time but due to time restraints I must take all at once (and pass) to be admitted into the program. I simply may not be accepted into the program for some reason I may never know. But if I don’t try there is no chance at all. So I am trying. And if I fail then I will take the next year to study, retake the test, get those classes done, and work as a Para educator in the school district to gain knowledge, make contacts, and make a difference.
While this is not really a “So long and thanks for all the fish” moment, as Douglas Adams so eloquently put it in his fourth book of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, I will be busier than normal and may not be around much.
Alright, I am off to write a multiple page essay on the role of diversity in the classroom. I would rather write a cute blog post about how Carter thought he bested gravity this morning after throwing a berry up into the air and it did not come back down (of course it did come down but it landed unbeknownst to Carter in a tree branch) but that would not earn me a scholarship, now would it?
Wish me luck!