One Year Ago

Today marks one year.  Most of the big firsts are over: the first Father’s Day, the first birthday, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas.  I am glad those are over and I must say that with time it has gotten easier.  I still think about and miss him everyday but I do not cry as much or as randomly as before.  This is good.  I know that it is because of the depth of my love for him that the pain will never truly go away, and this is good too.

As I move forward with my life and as I start to form a new and exciting future by going back to college to become a teacher, I think how nice it would be if he were here to see my accomplishments.  He would be proud, of this I am certain.

He would also be tickled to see my name and picture in the paper as a reader columnist for The News Tribune (my first column runs on the 25th).  I tried very hard to write my first piece about my dad, as a tribute to him if you will, but the words were vapor in my mind and I could not turn them into a solid to save my soul.  I don’t think I can share such a raw and personal topic with such a large and faceless audience.  I don’t know them yet, like I know you, and do not feel comfortable sharing my dad with them.  I still have that draft of a post I promised you from my summer trip to South Dakota to visit his childhood haunts that I can not bring myself to finish.  Every time I open it and start to read the words, my eyes tear up and it hurts to breath.  I am not ready to write that story.  Perhaps in time.

So there it is.  One year.  It went fast but in slow motion.  I have not cried today until now.  There is something about writing, about seeing the words as they lurch from my head to my hands, something about that little blinking line waiting so patiently for me to collect my thoughts and go on, that frees me and allow me to cry.

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About shoes

I am a blogger, a former microbiologist, a stay at home mom to a herd of two boys, and a grilled cheese sandwich and beer connoisseur.
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37 Responses to One Year Ago

  1. Momma Margi says:

    Keeping you and your family in my thoughts!

  2. Brother Jon says:

    I know it’s different, but this gives me hope for myself and my mom. My grandpa died in January. Thank you for sharing this, and for being so strong. Blessings.

    • shoes says:

      It may be a little different but it is still a hard loss. At the time and for several months following his death, I did not believe that time would make it hurt less. I am glad to find out that, at least for me, the passage of time has allowed for reflection and healing. Hugs to you and your family.

  3. The Waiting says:

    The first anniversary is the hardest. Give your kids lots of hugs and just know that he’s proud of you. Hugs, Shoes.

  4. Mary Ann says:

    Writing can be so therapeutic. It has helped me through sad times too. I hope your memories of all the good times help you.

    • shoes says:

      I had no idea how many benefits writing this little blog would provide. It, the actual process of writing, as well as the interaction with so many wonderful people has been a great addition to my life. It has helped me when I needed help and has allowed me to share the fun day to day events that make life so rich and sweet.

  5. christiana83 says:

    I’m so sorry about the loss of your Dad, it makes me sad to read about it! Hugs

  6. Traci Kay says:

    Thoughts, prayers, and love to you and your family!

  7. mimijk says:

    He would be so proud..let me rephrase this – he is so proud.

    • shoes says:

      Your words are so sweet. I am glad to say that I am living my life in a way that honors him and makes him proud. These changes and shift in direction for my and my families future are all good things.

  8. You’re in my thoughts and congratulations on your column in the newspaper!

    • shoes says:

      Thank you, I submitted my first column last night. I hope they like it. Even though it is for a large newspaper, I continue to write as if I am writing an everyday blog post. It is my writing voice, it is simply me.

  9. So beautiful – a beautiful amazing tribute to your dad and also to the process of grieving. Don’t think that he is proud of you – know it. Because he is, he is watching all you accomplish while sitting quietly on the sidelines, cheering you on in his own way.

    • shoes says:

      What a lovely comment, thank you! The process of grieving is something I had never had to give much thought to. It is so complex. I would love to have my dad here to me giving advice but for most of the questions I would ask him, I know the answers he would give.

  10. I lost mt dad 4 years ago and though the pain of loss dims, the ache in my heart lingers. I too find that I cannot bring myself to write about him. Thank God for kids, who help us look forward and carry on.

    • shoes says:

      I am sorry to hear about your dad. I feel the same way about loosing my dad, the pain is and will forever be there. It is something I need to accept and live with. You are right about having the kids as great distractions and as a powerful strength to get on with living and breath in everyday.

  11. Jodi says:

    So many times I’m crying while I write, somehow it is the excuse I need to let it out. he would be proud of you, and he wouldn’t mind that you cry because you miss him. Big hugs Shoes!

    • shoes says:

      It is a strange thing, crying and writing, and how they seem to go hand in hand. Such power in words and phrases. Thank you for your kindness over the past year or so Jodi. It is nice to “see” a friendly face.

  12. I am sure he is so proud of you. The first year is the hardest and you have made it through that milestone. On another note, congrats on your journey to become a teacher! I did the same thing, and I love teaching. It is a blast (and every day is different).

    • shoes says:

      I am glad the first year is over, now I hope I can stop thinking “this time last year my dad was suffering, or was here with us, or was spending time with his grandkids”.

      I am so excited about this journey to become a teacher. Once I made the decision to go with it, it has taken on a life of its own and the rate of time has increased. I am looking forward to one day having a classroom of my own. :-)

  13. I know he is soooo proud of you SHoes!!!! Love you my friend.One year ago I was over there…now I’m headed back over next week for a funeral…

  14. Moms The Word says:

    You know one of the only reason I write is for me to be more connected to my thoughts and feelings. Its so hard in the day to stop and be present with yourself. I am write behind you in facing my “firsts” – I know father’s day and his birthday will be the hardest — learning from your experience makes me braver. Thanks.

    • shoes says:

      I agree with your feelings on writing. The process allows time to let the days events wash over you and gives you time to sort out the slew of emotions that make up our days. I found one of the worst “firsts” was Father’s Day. And then there are the times where, for just an instant, I forget that he is gone and I think “oh, dad would like that, I should get it for him…” and then I realize what I just thought and it is altogether shocking and hurtful. I am very glad my journey through this is helpful to you. We are all braver than we think we are and stronger than we will ever know. I hope your “firsts” are more reflective and loving than painful and empty.

  15. Hetterbell says:

    This must have been a very poignant time for you. I wonder if your writing may have helped you through the past year a bit. Often I find that putting things down on paper (or as here on a screen) helps me to make sense of things in a way that I might not otherwise have done. I do hope things will get easier for you over time, and I’m glad you have new projects you’re working on.

    • shoes says:

      It has been a very up and down year for me. I am not sure even to this day what is harder, the complete and absolute empty space in my life where my dad once was or the process of watching him being torn away piece by fragile piece. It was all simply awful. I am glad it is over but at the same time I would give most anything to see him and talk to him again in his healthy state. It really was just dumb luck that I started this blog when I did and was able to process the pain of his loss in writing. The writing, and the connections I have found from it, have been extremly helpful. The new projects I have going on are helping me to focus on the future and on the goodness around me. The change part is scary for me but it is all for the greater good.

  16. Nancy says:

    I haven’t lost a parent so I can’t say “I know how you feel”, but I can imagine the sadness. Sending pleasant thoughts your way.

    • shoes says:

      I would very much love to share with my dad all the new and exciting projects happening in my life lately. I will have to settle with knowing that he would be proud and happy for me. There will always be sadness but it is less painful as time goes by.

  17. Annie says:

    One of my very close face-to-face friends lost her dad suddenly last June. I know what you mean when you say the year went fast, but in slow motion. At times it feels like I answered that panicked call from her only yesterday. But it’s been a long past few months, and while time does heal it takes a lot of it. (hugs)

    • shoes says:

      Time is so strange, the way we perceive its passage. It shocks me that it has been a year already and it shocks me that it has only been a year. I am glad, at least, that the passing of time has helped in that I do not hurt as much. It is a dull sorrow instead of a stabbing pain.

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