I am tired. I am grumpy. I am hard to get along with as of late. I start to wash dishes only to run out of motivation part way through and walk away leaving dishes unwashed and questioning their self worth.
“Why did the egg pan get washed and I didn’t?” wonders the cutting board.
I wander room to room in my own house as if at a loss for what to do next. I vacuum erratically not bothering to move chairs or the large ride-on inchworm toy that has taken up residence at the end of our hallway.
I make barely passable meals and then quite often get up abruptly in the middle of eating them, walk to another room, and sob quietly so as not to disturb my children.
I don’t like this new me. I am not as patience. The silly and loud noises that come in a continual stream from my boys bothers me instead of making me chuckle with the knowledge that I understand their inside jokes and that I too find them funny.
I don’t like writing about death, dark and the dreary but I can’t seem to remember what I used to write about. I would love to tell you that I often wonder just how many toothpaste caps it takes to clog up a typical home bathroom drain (we are at three and counting) in a flippant and comical manner but I would rather crawl into bed and sleep.
Today it has been one week since my dad died, so maybe it is alright to feel this way.
But it doesn’t mean I have to like it.
I am taking Cody and Carter to their Grandma’s house for a couple days since it is mid winter break and they don’t have school. And although we will be staying at the house I grew up in, a house with so many memories of my dad, it just seems like the right place to be at this moment. It might make it seem more real to the boys who have been using the words dead and dying in their play a lot lately. They are trying to process what happened to their Grandpa in their own way and I help by answering their questions as honestly as I can.
Last night I asked the boys to each pack their own suitcase. Carter, so very proud, came out to get me and led me by the hand back to his bedroom. There was his suitcase in the middle of his room packed with his stuffed animals, Snake and Zebra, three books, and two pairs of socks. No other articles of clothing were packed. Cody did better in the clothing department, packing six pairs of underwear, two pants, two shirts, a plastic bug, and a blanket for sleeping with. He did not want to pack Kissy Shrimp until the morning since there was still one more sleep until we left.
I am in a slump and as Dr. Seuss so eloquently put it “Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.”
So I ask of you to please bear with me. The next couple weeks may be a bit patchy. I will find my way back to a semblance of where I was. I just need a little more time.
Shoes On The Wrong Feet 
I empathize, and ironically was just sitting here feeling similarly! You will ‘unslump’ soon enough!!
Thanks for the comment! I hate feeling so slumpish but with the boys school starting up again this week and our normal schedule returning, I am hoping that will help. I hope you are feeling better as well.
Perhaps being at your childhood home where there are so many wonderful memories will help you remember the dad he was. I know all the things that everyone says at a time of passing, but you know all of them. I will just say this. Everybody grieves in their own way, take your time and give yourself what you need. We will hang in there with you.
Thanks Jodi. We had a really nice time visiting my mom and I had some time to reflect on memories of my dad. It was the things that he touched, doorknobs, gloves, light switches, coffee cup handles, that really got to me.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. May you find peace, and may your children bring joy to your life once again.
My children are truly helping me through this with the great art of distraction. They are super sweet about my sadness even if they don’t understand the magnitude of it. Thanks for your comment.
please don’t put pressure on yourself to unslump. be sad. it’s ok. it passes into something beyond sadness and becomes a strength that you have deep inside, a knowing a kind of truth that others who have not experienced such a loss can’t know. I lost someone close to me, and I felt the pressure to be ok too soon. People want you to “move on” and “not wallow”, but it takes so much more time than they could ever know. You won’t always be at a loss for what to do with your hands, or what to do with your thoughts. But it may take years to truly be at peace with your loss. Take it from me…it’s ok to take your time to grieve.
Thank you, I found myself coming back to your comment a couple times in the past week to reread. You understand loss and stated it well. My hands and thoughts are less adrift but you are right in that I need to allow myself time to grieve and accept that it is alright to do so.
Slump away, sister….you are loved!
Ahh, thank you.
You have no reason to apologize. Let yourself grieve…for as long as you need. What you are feeling and experiencing is absolutely normal. Once your mourning is complete, you will emerge. Give yourself time — be gentle and forgiving with yourself. Cyberhugs
Thank you, it has been a really hard couple weeks. I hope all is going well for you, I miss your blog updates.
You need to be able to work through events and your feelings about them in your own time and in your own way. That is perfectly understandable. You’re in my thoughts, and I wish you and your family all the best. 🙂
Thank you dear Hetterbell, your comments and thoughts are always appreciated.
I read your entry last night and came back to it this morning. I want to write something magical and powerful that says as others have written that it is alright to grieve. I can’t find the right words. Slate did a series on grieving that has a lot of right words: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/the_long_goodbye.html
Well, Beth, I waited almost a whole week to click on your link because I was not ready to see what it was. Thank you for this. The topic of a lack of a recognized “way” or “tradition” of grieving (in the USA) really stood out to me. It would be easier if there was some sort of mindless, ingrained into life, steps or format to grieving that I could subscribe to but there is not. I will have to read the rest of the series to see how this is addressed.
Grief is an incredibly difficult, individual thing. Give yourself the space to feel it. Most will understand, and those who don’t have never lost. Don’t stuff it or hide it. It needs to come out. It will come out. It has to. Hugs!
Thanks for the kind words and hugs. 🙂
You need time to grieve and you need to give yourself permission to do so. I blogged about a very hard time in my life…not because I wanted people to read it…I was surprised how many did! But because it helped me work through all the emotions. I hope these posts are helping you. If not…stop! When you are ready, we will all be here to read your wonderful words again. You have blogging buddies who will understand why you are MIA for a while. We will also be there to read if you want to vent/rant/grumble/get pissy/etc….it is what people who have lost someone do.
Love and hugs,
katy xxx
Ha, thank you Katy! I may just have to post a total rant filled with expletive deletives on a day when I am feeling very dark. It is helping to write/blog about it, I was just not expecting to fill my blog with so much negative or depressing posts. I guess since my blog is simply about my life and my thoughts there will be the flip side of humor and rainbows from time to time. Thank you for your kindness my blogging friend.
It’s so hard. It’s certainly not fun, and grieving can make anyone ask themselves who they are and what was it that they used to do. Just take your time and know that there is no wrong way to get through it. Will be thinking of you.
Thank you for your thoughts and your comment. I will keep slumpin’ along and will get through.
Sending warm hugs and thoughts your way. This is a hard time. I can’t even imagine having not yet lost a parent. Take the time to grieve. We will be waiting for you when you return 🙂 xoxo
Thank you. My life has run amok and I am having a hard time finding the time to blog, respond to comments, etc. What really is getting to me is that I am having a hard time finding something to write about. It will come back, I have to believe it will.
Of course it’s alright to feel that way. Virtual hugs, real thoughts & vibes, sending your way.
Thanks for the virtual and real kindness!
Don’t force it, or yourself. This is your time to be however you need to be, and if that means fewer posts, so be it. Screw us! 🙂
It seems that grief is overwhelming and unpredictable. I hope that you you’ve been able to ride the wave, and felt loved throughout.
Thank you. You are very right about grief being unpredictable. Just when I feel I have it all together I become unhinged at the slightest of things. I have been feeling the love throughout it all and it helps immensely.
There have been fewer posts, and in the past several weeks ones filled with more sadness instead of my usual humorous snippets about life with children. So be it. It is what I need to do and it seems like you all understand that. 🙂