Today is the first day of school. I need two classes (US History and Mathematics for Elementary Teachers) and must take one more big scary test before I can officially breath, knowing I will indeed be able to start the Master’s of Education coursework this summer.
In less than a week I will boldly be staring down the last year of my thirties. Some days I feel too old to start over, to recreate myself. Some days I am beyond excited by this new chapter in my book of life. Some days I simply wonder where the time has gone.
Routines will change for everyone. I hate the idea of not being there for the boys. I have lined up daycare during the two days I have class this spring. For Cody there will be little change, he will get on the bus at a different stop once a week. But for Carter I will see little of him during those morning and he will be getting on the bus for preschool at a friend’s house.
Our awesome babysitter, who is a Junior in high school this year, has decided to take on the task of watching both boys for the long summer days, Monday through Thursday, when I will be on campus immersed in the master’s program from 8-4. Fridays I imagine I will have papers to write and tests to study for so she may have them on those day too.
I have not figured out how Cody will get to his physical therapy, perhaps Husband’s work can be flexible. Swim lessons may have to sink. Meal planning will have to be the rule and I doubt I will have time to make muffins or cookies.
I can not even think about Cody having a seizure somewhere while in the care of someone else. Just the act of typing that brings me to tears and makes my throat choke up. I can barely get through one of his episodes while I am there to comfort him, how will I get through not being there at all?
Today is also the day my second article runs in The News Tribune. I never thought this exciting opportunity to be published in the pages of a black and white paper, would take second stage. At this point in my life it has. And that makes me more than a little sad. (Here is the link to my first article, in case you missed it.)
I hate to even tell you this but I have even briefly considered telling the newspaper editor that I can’t hack it, that it is simply too much. But no, I will not do that.
I will take that newspaper column and I will use it as my playground, my space to express my creativity. I will use it as a place to keep my writing style mine for I fear that all those numerous papers I will be required to write for one class or another will chip away at my writing style. I don’t think my professors will want poetics and imagery in papers about learning styles or diversity in the classroom.
So I will press on and try not to panic. I will work hard and accept that not everything will get done in the way it used to get done.
Please remember that I want to keep my blog and identity hush-hush. I love comments and shares on the newspaper’s website (thank you to those of you that did so on my first article!) but try and refrain from calling me Shoes or mentioning ShoesOnTheWrongFeet.
Shoes On The Wrong Feet 
Oh my dear – I can feel the anxiety and stress in each sentence. Some days you know, the best thing you can do is breathe – not consider the ‘what ifs’, not count the requirements in each day, not question anything at all. Just let the day unfold. All will be well – I really believe that.
I think you are right about letting the day simply unfold. It is a challenging thing for me to do but I think I need to learn to do it a little more during the next year or two.
All will be well. And I need to get used to viewing this new period in my life as not something to just get through, but as a learning process (I love to learn) that has value (which it does) and that will bring about good things in the future (and how could it not).
I can only imagine how equally exciting and terrifying all of this is for you but keep going, keep plugging away on making these dreams come true for yourself. Try not to think about what may be missed (often easier said than done) and think about everything that is to be gained. You can do it!
I am at the end of my first week of classes. It is less daunting but I still have those stomach dropping feelings when I focus too much on the deadlines, papers, tests, and childcare situation.
I can do this and it will be great!
Just breathe! That was for me after reading this post. 😉 Seriously, take deep breaths and don’t let it all overwhelm you. You are obviously listing some major changes for you and your family here, and I wish you the best of luck. Being away from your babies will be difficult, but don’t be hard on yourself. The reason you’ll be away from them I imagine is to benefit them in their future. You will still have time with them, and because it will be limited, I bet you find it will be of even greater quality than it was when all you had was time! Keep that in mind. 😉
I think that not only are there some huge changes happening but that they are coming after a lull of staying home and raising my babies (who are babies no longer). So much change but it is also exciting and for the greater good.
But I have to say that I really miss my blogging people. I miss reading blogs and writing freely about whatever on my blog. I want to come here to write fun, cute, creative words not words of stress and fear. I hope to grab little moments here and there that I can dedicate to blogging.
Shoes, you are going to be such an awesome teacher. And though it feels like you are not being there for the boys, you ARE: by taking these first steps toward a new working life that is going to blend really well with motherhood and–as the boys begin their school years–demonstrate to them your own love of learning. What a great model!
Thank you for that. I had not considered the role model I am providing for my boys by going back to school. The boys have been nervous about all the changes, but they talk with excitment about me being a teacher. Everytime I complete a test or a paper they cheer and ask me if I am a teacher now! 🙂 Ah, if only.
I think teaching and motherhood will be such a perfect fit for my life, I just need to get there and embrace it.
What exciting and hard changes for you! Your new article for the paper was amazing as well….definitely had me tearing up!
Thank you! I actually got several emails sent to me from readers of the paper sharing with me their stories of memories made by the ocean’s edge. It is such a great experience, I just wish I have more time to enjoy it.
Beautiful article.
I can understand why things feel overwhelming now, but a lot of the time the thought of the number of things we have to do seems a lot scarier than when we actually dive in head first and are doing them. Best wishes for all that you want to do. 🙂
Thank you! I got a great response by email and comments from it.
Now that I have started classes, it seems less scary for I know what is expected of me. Time management will be key in the next year or so. And grabbing onto those little family moments and really being in them.
As long as you’re able to get the sleep you need you’ll find that makes a HUGE difference, too. Those family moments are very special. 🙂
What an exciting time for you … can’t wait to hear(read) more
My blog reading has fallen off a cliff and my blog writing is hanging on by its fingertips. I am glad you are sticking around to hear (read) 🙂 more.
I so hear you … have had that myself as you know in the past … it’s hard to keep up when you have a life
Ha – I suppose it is a good thing to have a life, right?
yes it is … only keeps you away from blogging
Oh I know how hard it is to accept that things won’t be as perfect or as organized or as calm. But you go girl! You are kicking ass and taking names in the life department: motherhood, school, awesome blog, mad writing skills, interesting viewpoint on life, and so on….I’m excited for you to turn 40. You won’t be recreating from scratch.
Such a great comment! Thanks for your words of encouragement.
Tomorrow I turn 39. In my 40th year, assuming all goes well, I will complete my master’s and become a teacher. Wow.
Great job on your article. Your new adventures will definitely be challenging, but I hope you will keep writing that article. Maybe the article will be a blessing in disguise. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you. I have been talking myself into dropping the article writing by saying that it is not necessary nor wise to use that time and have that stress because of something not related to getting my master’s but then I get comments from my blog people and I get emails from total strangers who read my article and it is so worth it. I will continue writing it and I think you are right that it will become a blessing in disguise. It is something for me, not school, and that is important too.
Yes it is! You are a very talented writer. I bet writing makes you happy and that’s why it’s good that you are going to stick with it! Thumbs up!
I support you from afar!
Thank you – I feel your support and I am glad of it!
Hats off to you !
🙂 I will be chucking my graduation hat high into the air with great glee in just over a year!
I bet once everything gets rolling a lot of the stress recedes. Change and the unknown is what is really hard, once you know…well you can usually adjust. I’m sure you’ll find ways to spend time with the boys and make those times that much more special.
Yup, it is the unknown that scares the heck out of me. Now I know which weeks will be filled with tests and when papers are due and just how much time I have to dedicate to math homework (eeekk!) so I can organize myself and feel less stressed.
You’re never too old to start over. This all sounds very exciting from an outsider’s perspective. I know how you feel about leaving your boys in the care of someone else, especially Cody. You’ll settle into this new routine before you know it. The boys will be fine. So will you. I recently took on a part-time job (just for fun) and my first few days at it I thought I was going to go crazy thinking of someone else putting my babies to bed. But now we’ve settled into this new routine and it has brought with it a whole new level of involvement on the part of my children. It’s great.
Thank you for sharing your experience with the changes in your life. From first glance I feel like I am abandoning them to the care of others but it will make the time I have with them more special. If I can focus on my school work while they are being watched after, then I can really be in the moment with them when we are all together.